I get to write about this because I’ve been there. I should be dead. My second attempt won me an ambulance ride to the emergency room and a 3 night stay in the psych ward. In order to leave I had to have appointments made with a psychiatrist and a therapist. I kept the appointments. I spent thousands of dollars on 1.5 years of psychotherapy and I tried 4 different anti-depressants. Am I better? Nope! A little bit better? Nope! Will I attempt suicide again? It’s likely. On the way home from my mini-vacation I said to my husband, “The only thing I can promise you is that I might do it again.” He responded sadly, “I know.”
Why did I do it? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that ‘normal’ people would not consider committing suicide for the reasons that I did. Normal people would never consider it for any reason. I think about suicide in general almost every day. I think about suicide specifically at least once a week.
I actually laugh out loud when I see those Facebook posts about recognizing the signs and letting others know that you’ll be there for them, and about how to make people “happier”. I couldn’t have been “happier”. To other people, everything about me was normal. I didn’t seem depressed or withdrawn. I had everything I needed and a lot of things that many people wish for. I have designer handbags, a good job with good benefits, a nice home and a nice car. I buy VIP ticket packages to concerts and see all of the Broadway shows that my husband will tolerate. I travel to the Caribbean and Europe every year. I have a personal trainer and I am in great physical health, albeit crappy mental health. I have the most supportive and loving husband ever, whose biggest hope is for me to be mentally and emotionally well, and to stay alive. None of this mattered.
It’s so backwards that normal people think that someone who is at their lowest point should just call a friend or a hotline to be saved. I laugh and think, “Oh gee, why didn’t I think of that? I wish I had known!” LOL You ‘normal’ people think you know everything! What a joke! When you get to that point, all you want is to be is dead!!! There is no other option! I didn’t actually plan my suicide attempt. I snapped and went straight into action. It became my purpose and I carried it out quickly and methodically. The only mistake I made was texting my husband goodbye as I laid in bed waiting to fall into a coma.
When I hear on the news that someone else has bitten the dust, I am not sad for them. I am secretly happy for them. They got what they wanted. I’m not a sociopath – I really am sad for their family and friends. But even my husband’s pleas for me to throw up the pills were not enough. Knowing that he was sobbing was not enough. Knowing that I was breaking the heart of my soul mate was not enough. I am still bitter at times that my death was stolen from me.
It makes me angry when people say how selfish it is for someone to commit suicide. Yes, it is selfish, but it is equally selfish for normal people not to want that person to get what they want. Just because what I want for myself isn’t what you want for me, doesn’t make me more selfish!
Only one person asked me directly how I was doing after it happened. Such is the nature of suicide. You are alone in your attempt and you are alone if you survive. Nobody wants to talk about it! I recently commented on a famous author’s Instagram about a quote she posted after Anthony Bourdain’s suicide. Everyone else who commented was in complete support of the author – that suicide is sad and it doesn’t have to happen because there is help. My simple truth to her was “anyone who has never had a serious suicidal thought will never understand why people who do, do”. The author “liked” everybody’s comment but mine. So tell me Emily Giffin, why would you expect a suicidal person to reach out to a normal person for help when you can’t even acknowledge a benign comment from an actual suicidal person?
Did you know that the propensity to commit suicide can be hereditary? My father and my uncle both committed suicide in their 20s. Johns Hopkins researchers have even identified a genetic biomarker which can “measure” suicide risk. That’s how much suicide may not even be preventable in many instances! But you normal people should just keep spewing your meaningless words as if you know something I don’t, and I’ll just keep shaking my head and laugh.
The bottom line: No normal person wants to talk about your suicide wish….at least not in your lifetime! Lol